Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Frozen Scared

Sorry.  This may not be very organized and coherent, but I'm just going to get it all out.

I am 22.  And everyone around me is getting married.  Okay, maybe not everyone, but it takes more than two hands for me to count the number of friends who've gotten married since college, and even more since high school.  Everyone is falling in love and saying "I do" and making babies.

But one friend just got divorced.  And she's just a little older than me.  I feel bad for not knowing about all this sooner, but we haven't kept in touch since Whitworth.  So I found out today.  And it really scared me.

I think coming from such a small school where everything seems safe and warm and full of possibility can be dangerous.  Do we trust too much?  Do we make too many concessions for the sake of "showing grace?"  Do we really even know ourselves as well as we think?  We are funny, complex, maddening creations, and I'm afraid we only start to figure that out after college.  But so many of us marry young.

All of these ideas have been stirring around in my head the last few weeks.  I've missed a few weddings, but thanks to Facebook, at least I get to see the pictures and hear the stories.  So now I have more married friends.  And then I saw Eat Pray Love which--despite some of the predictability of the story--got me thinking.  When is divorce good?  Did she just bolt?  Was it anyone's fault?  And then, of course, there are the times when I freak myself out by thinking, Oh my gosh.  What if I'm one of the divorce stories in five or ten years?  It terrifies me to think like that, and yet I do.

I think divorce is a very good thing in dangerous, unhealthy relationships.  Most of the women in my family have been in abusive, smothering relationships, and all of them were brave enough and smart enough to get out.  But being surrounded by all of the hurt makes me worry that somehow, I'll say yes to the wrong man, and we'll end up hurting each other in irreversible ways...

I think I'm a strong, capable person, but I also know how easily I can break.  I learned that the hard way my junior year at Whitworth.  I also try to trust God and know that He'll guide me in the direction I'm supposed to go.  But what if I miss the directions?  What if I'm just too happy or busy or independent or scared or hard-of-hearing?

And why do I always have more questions than answers?

Most of the time, I'm optimistic about finding the man of my dreams and making a beautiful life.  But other times, I'm just frozen scared.


  1. Mollie - I LOVE your honesty in pouring out your feelings and fears and desires, etc.
    AND - it's prompted me to "comment".
    All I can tell you is there are NO guarantees...except that if you keep Christ at the center of your life, your relationships, your day to day stuff, He will always be there. He is there whether you are paying attention or not. He is there whether you read His directions or not. He is there in good times and in bad. No matter what decision we make, He is there. And that's the BEST part of the journey we call life. We are free to choose, we are free to do, we are free. AND we always have Him looking after us, rejoicing with us in the good times and helping us pick ourselves up after the bad times.
    I also wanted to tell you - that some of the BEST times Ron and I remember together are the BAD times we have had...not necessarily that the bad times were the best....but coming out on the other side of the bad times together, stronger, happier, healthier. And the memories created on this journey of life....AWESOME!!!
    So, my advice??? Relax and enjoy. Pay attention and be alert. Worry and fret. Work hard. Play hard. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Fall in love again. But most of all - enjoy the journey. Life is AWESOME! And I'm glad you are a part of mine!! Love ya!! Tammy

  2. This is how I feel all the time. I'm terrified.
    Haha, but I think living life with gusto and getting burned is still better than being careful. Our mistakes are part of God's plan, I think. Its how we learn.

  3. Beautiful post. And remember: "Be brave and steadfast; have no fear or dread of them, for it is the Lord, your God, who marches with you; he will never fail you or forsake you," (Deuteronomy, 31:6) ^_^